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Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but I swear, one chick said she’d only hook up if I barked like a dog—fuckin loco, right? Told her, “I’m Tony Montana, I don’t bark, I bite!” Sex-dating’s a trip, mang—half the time you laugh, half the time you wanna shoot somebody. “This is all we need,” Eve says—nah, I need a chica who don’t catfish me with 10-year-old pics. Stay real out there, or Tony’s comin’ for ya—say hello to my little friend!

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First off, I’m cruising down Jl. Raya Sragen, trying to get to the office. Traffic? Ugh, don’t even get me started. It’s like everyone in Sragen decided to take their sweet time today. I’m stuck behind this ancient motorbike that’s sputtering like it’s about to give up on life. I’m honking, yelling, you know, the usual. Finally, I zoom past, and guess what? It’s an old dude with a giant basket of mangos. Like, seriously? Who needs that many mangos at 8 AM?

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